My uncle missed work yesterday with 12 stitches and a bloody lip. It seems he was finally "hit" by the recession.
The White House chef wanted to create a special meal for incoming Congressmen. He called it "Budget Stew." It was beef based, completely eliminated "pork", and was gently simmered in a light "reduction" sauce. Noting the lack of poultry, Republicans still cried "fowl."
My neighor is such a "windbag" that his wife needed to issue a hurricane warning for their kitchen "island."
My accountant is so compulsive that he even tried to housetrain his "pet peeve."
I spotted my Congressman at Victoria's Secret on Black Friday. Apparently, he was looking to pad his campaign "war chest."
My Uncle is so bad with pets, the Humane Society wouldn't even let him adopt a "dust bunny."
Whoever noted that when "God closes a door, He opens a window" obviously never anticipated Bill Gates.
Apparently, Scrooge is marketing miniature holidy fruitcakes. He's calling them reality "bites."
I spent hundreds of dollars on landscaping trying to get my new bush to grow. Apparently, it was a currency "hedge."
My redneck friends always wanted to host a more upscale holiday dinner. This year, they're using "refined" sugar.
It seems that after one too many holiday lattes, Ben Bernanke attempted to pay down the Federal deficit using "Starbucks."
Rumor has it, the Chinese team was disqualified from this year's Rose Parade after attempting to enter a "currency" float.
It seems the sixth day of Christmas cried fowl, after yet again receiving only a "goose egg" for the holidays.
Twas the Night Before Christmas mouse put on prostate medication after constant "stirring" keeps everyone awake.
My neighbor made her first holiday turkey this year. According to her husband, it appears they didn't share many tender momets.
I asked my health insurer for lower rates for Christmas, but all I got was the silent "treatment."
Rudolph was recently spotted hobbling along the sidelines at the reindeer games. Instead of crutches, Santa's new HMO plan only offered candy "canes."
Rumor has it, the EPA has published a special sand tart cookie recipe for the Gulf Region. It seems you just add butter and eggs, it already includes the oil.
I hear the City of Harrisburg has retained the Pillsbury Doughboy as a special holiday consultant. Apparently they have plenty of yule logs, but the "payrolls" never got done.
In an attempt to stay hip, this year's North Pole gift "rap" will be provided by Eminem.
My uncle says it's no small wonder there are an awful lot of turkeys on Wall Street these days. They never made it to the roasting pan. Apparently, everyone was too busy cooking their own "goose."
I am guessing that if the new tax cut legislation passes, an "extension" cord will run directly from wealthy lobbyists to their Congressman's campaign fund. So much for "power" to the people.
After waiting nearly two weeks for a dental appointment, even Frosty is no longer smiling. Apparently, PennDot was doing his bridgework.
I entered "incompetent" into my car's GPS system. Unfortunately, I ended up "in Congress."
Sadly, Santa needed to fire the accounting firm that audited his good boys and girls list. It seems they were visiting "naughty" websites.
After voting to yet again raise taxes, my Congressman couldn't even find a re-election "bid" on E-Bay.
My Uncle claims it's no small wonder America is overweight. After all, most of our elected officials can barely even "exercise" good judgment.
It seems scientists at Los Alamos are revising the periodic table to include the fringe "elements" of our political parties. Their symbol will be "G". Hopefully, they will combine with oxygen and neon and be "GONe."
I hear Dr. Phil tried to "shrink" the unemployment rate. Apparently, it wasn't "working' for him either.