Your Daily Dose of Levity

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"Squared" Away

Did God really want the earth to be round, or did his contractor simply "cut corners?"

No Cakewalk

Campaign rhetoric is really a lot like a "shoo-fly pie." No matter how you slice it, it's mostly all wet on the bottom, and still pretty "crummy" on the top.


I think my money is depressed. It finds "no interest" in anything.

Rich Traditions

My aunt's double chocolate fudge cake is always left in the dark. We never want it to see the "lite."

"Changing" Times?

Sadly, even the "Pampered" Chef is growing old. He now wears "Depends."

Minus SIgns?

My neighbor's second grader complained that his math test was too difficult. Apparently, he's fallen upon "hard" times.

Inching Along

Looks like the metric system is out. Given their debt crisis, European rulers are now resorting to more desperate "measures."

Forget It?

My uncle could never be a waiter. There are days when even his memory doesn't serve him.

Nothing to Sneeze At

I think my 401K is hypoallergenic. Lately, it has become un-"cented."

Sure to Gel?

My in-laws spent most of their life "in a jam." At least they're well "preserved."


My bread machine was just indicted for embezzlement. The blender claimed it "kneaded the dough."

Hand Tossed

My neighbor is so shallow, Pizza Hut warned their deep dish pizza would be over her head.

Bad Fortune?

It seems the once beloved Confucius has been hit hard by the economy. Chinese restaurants now only give out "tracking" cookies.

Brush Off?

Even Rembrandt had a slacker brother named "Bob." He painted a brain "frieze."

Picture That

Last night's debate moderator asked the presidential hopefuls to "paint" a picture of the future. Sadly, they all "drew" a blank.

New Lows

Yesterday I was so down in the dumps, when my boss tried to push my buttons they were already depressed.

Sleep on It?

Insomniacs rarely have big dreams.

Chewed Out?

My senator never hesitated to lie through his teeth. Turns out, even they were false.

Over Done?

Even when the economy's good, my pot roasts usually experience "tough times."

New Values

Sadly, when I was finally able to build a better life, the tax collector reassessed my priorities.


My sister registered for fine china before her wedding. Her fiance hoped for the "dish network."

Second Story

My aunt's upstairs neighbors are truly "unreal." Apparently, she's living under "false pretenses."

No Small Wonder

Unfortunately, even though my Congressman was indicted, the Federal deficit still remains "at large."

"Free" Spirit

If you truly are "good for nothing", at least you're cost effective.

Life's a Breeze

My parent's old house should have been in the NFL. Every room had a supplemental "draft."

Big "Seen?"

It seems the Weight Watchers had trouble seeing the future. Their eye doctor suggested "heavy duty" lenses.

Pumped Up

My uncle claims the cable company helped him save gas. After all, their prices really "took him for a ride."

Smoke and Mirrors

The fire department said our tech department didn't have enough exits. Looks like someone forgot the data "entry."

Bet On It

Even numbers are rarely at odds.

Jog Your Mind

Last week's 10K run started late, lacked direction, and took forever to complete. Apparently, the government "ran" it.

Mixed Blessing

I'm sending my checkbook to church. It needs to learn better values.

Hammer Time

Congress will never "build" character. They have far too many screws loose.

Needs a "Boost?"

My Grandmother just hired an agent for her bustline. She hopes maybe he can "talk things up."

"Lapse" in Judgment

It's a good thing Congress isn't an insurance policy. They would never have an "effective" date.

"Union" Shop?

Maybe marriage really is "made" in heaven. After all, when you're divorced it takes an eternity to get your money back.


It seems United Airlines tried to recruit the Amish for a new travel feature. They're calling it "plane" talk.

Snippet of Truth

I hear the local maternity ward needed to fire their wireless provider. Apparently, he even tried to cut the umbilical "cord."

Watered Down Egos

In order to grow a country, everyone needs to "seed" a little bit of power.

Young "Buck?"

Perhaps money simply needs a job coach. It may just be too "green" to support an economy.

"Running" on Empty

My uncle invited all incumbents to join the new "retirement" party. You get a gold watch, no pension, and a chance to simply pass time. But, it gets old quick.

Self Absorbed?

Congress attempted to clean up the environment with a paper towel. They called it nature's "bounty."

Too Close for Comfort

After an evening with his in-laws, my uncle now envies those who live in "relative" isolation.

"Counter" Productive?

My aunt was so worried about the approaching hurricane that she evacuated her kitchen island.

A Little "Stuffy?"

My dog thinks his nose is the "scenter" of the universe.


My Mother claims the budget deficit helped her diet. She says it nearly "reduced her to tears."


Instead of spending money to build new roads, maybe the White House should simply hire a new plumber. It seems the ones Nixon used, never really allowed the wealth to "trickle down."

"Down" Times

It was a sad day for America. Even the sky is "blue."

"Gaining Ground?"

At least if you're overweight, you know you hit the "big" time.

"Pivotal" Moments

Most politicians have three different looks; a happy face, a game face, and an "about" face.

Hot Topic

My uncle's employer says he truly doesn't work in "hell." After all, his wages are frozen.

Going Nowhere

The White House dog blames the economy for occassional irregularity. It seems last week he was barely able to simply make "doo."

Best Bye

My friend broke up with his fiance over dinner. He called it more of an "expiration date."

In a Pickle

After years of loyal service, even the Burger King is out of work. Unlike his peers, he was never quite able to tell a "Whopper."

Losing Interest?

My bank CD claims it's a born again Christian. Last week I took it in for "early redemption."

The Hole Truth

Maybe we should  ban campaigning in higher elevations. That way promises could only be made in "low lying" areas.

Package Deal?

Eminem hired a psychiatrist to produce his next album.  Now his CDs will all come "shrink-rapped."

Not So Hot?

It's no small wonder teenagers don't much seem to mind the humidity. Many of them have a low "do" point.

Senior Moments

My Grandmother claims she can now only fly first class. Often her thoughts have same day departure.

Never a Loan?

My checkbook complained it has no privacy. It seems no matter where it goes, it's surrounded by debt.

Bigger Tent?

Apparently the GOP elephant grew tired of working for peanuts. Fox News says he's joined the media circus.

No Outside Thinking?

It seems that most lawmakers are part of the "in" crowd.....ineffective, inefficient, and incapable.

Song and Dance

I would never win American idol. My voice is flatter than the economy.

Note Worthy?

Not all lenders are reluctant to cancel debt. After all, some have long since written off their moral "obligations."

Postage Due?

My neighbor tried to return her ex-husband to the sender. She claims he was junk "male."

Only Natural?

It seems a group of Darwinists visited Washington last week. They were looking for signs of job "creation."

Not "Hooked" on Phonics

Unfortunately, even Mrs. Paul's "school" of fish failed to make adequate yearly progress.

No Credit?

I hear common sense was nearly returned to Washington, but someone forgot the sales slip.


Not everything in the country is headed down. My retirement savings are still pretty much "up the crick."

No "Reservations"

In honor of their hard work and diligent efforts, taxpayers created a special beach destination for their legislators. They called it the "Point of No Return."

Bare Facts

My uncle never read the book "The Naked and the Dead." He thought it was about his love life.

Opportunity Knocked?

Apparently success was at my doorstep. Too bad the neighborhood has a no solicitation policy.

Driven into the Ground?

Sadly, the auto club is now rated higher than my government bond.

Selling out?

The American public decided to auction off Congress. It seems their re-election bids were pretty much "going, going, gone."

"Tale" End?

I ran into Fox News at the Consignment Shop. Apparently they were running low on "second hand knowledge."

Oceans Apart

Maybe we should outsource Congress this Fall. Obviously, reason and compromise are already foreign to them.

Going Round in Circles

NASA spent billions of dollars just "watching the world go by." Perhaps they were hoping to put a new spin on life.

Melting Down?

The Wall Street ice cream truck has a new half price special this week. It's called the "profit dip."

Extra "Sprinkles?"

I'll never need to issue a drought emergency. It's always "raining on my parade."

Improper Inflation?

Congress is right in claiming they made "tireless" efforts to fix the country. God knows, the wheels did pretty much just fall off.

Egg heads?

Apparently my uncle has been living off the "fat" of the land. Unfortunately, his cholesterol is even higher than the humidity.


Maybe lawmakers really do want to make budget cuts less painful. Most days, their nonsense truly is "mind numbing."

The Pits?

It seems the dry weather has finally hit local produce growers. Sadly, even my peaches have more soft spots than the economy.

No Crowning Glory?

We tried to enter our governing "bodies" in the Miss USA pageant, but the judges didn't believe they wanted to help others and save the world.

Half Baked?

The White House should stick to making Shoo Fly pies. After all, its recipe for change is looking pretty "crumby."

Life of the Party?

Senate Legislation complained it "didn't get out much." Most days, it is usually "house" bound.

Left Behind?

The School Board says our Congressman failed to make "adequate yearly progress." Apparently, he was elected  by "dumb" luck.

Sunny Side Up?

It was so hot last week I fried an egg on N. Queen Street. It was the first time my commute was anywhere near "over easy."

Tale End?

Michael Vick is now ashamed of his dog fighting days. Sadly, he did need to give LeBron James one of his old "choke" collars.

Bump in the Night

Casper and his friendly ghosts needed to issue and "amber alert" Saturday night. It seems the "Spirit of  Compromise" had gone missing.

Real "Studs?"

Washington infrastructure crumbled as dis-enfranchised walls yanked support from the Capitol building. Tempers flared when the new debt ceiling was decided by a "floor" vote.

Not "Hurting?"

Oil company execs say they share America's pain. One even suffered a paper "cut" cashing his paycheck.

Holy Smokes Batman

Budget woes are even beginning to affect super heroes. Just last week, Superman lost his "purchasing power."

"Bottom" Line?

Much of politics truly is an "end" game. After all, many of the players really are "jackasses."

It's a Rap

We sent hip hop mogul Fifty Cent to Washington. He'll get da fault out of da "House".

Good Cents

God considered "pennies from heaven" as a way to help. His shareholders considered it "falling revenue."

Stand Up Guys?

The House leadership needed to call in a chiropractor after lawmakers threw out their backs. Apparently, it was all that "political posturing."

Refund Due?

I'm thinking of returning my Congressman to He does indeed talk when you push his buttons, but unlike the advertised picture, his words always seem to come out empty.

Moving On Up?

Even if we did live in the past, I'm not sure the Federal deficit would "go down" in history.

Highway Miles

The Auto Club just raised the country's overall ratings. They seem to think taxpayers have been taken for a pretty nice ride.

Production "Lines"

Congress claims that manufacturing output recently surged in Washington. Sadly, they just got really good at "making things" worse.

Old Bird

Police were called to Old McDonald's farm following reports of fowl play. Turns out, the rooster was just enjoying some time in the henhouse.

Field Trip

Michelle Obama went out to the White House Garden hoping to raise some revenue. Turns out, the Republicans had already been there making "campaign hay."

"Drawn" Out?

Optimists paint a rosy picture of our country's future. Pessimists would prefer to see something in "black and white."

On the Ballot

I hear Washington needed to set up special cooling stations for heated Americans looking to find "debt relief." They call them "voting booths."

Frayed Edges

The Smithsonian's new mummy was donated by Lindsay Lohan. Apparently, it too wasn't "wrapped very tight."

Poor Communication

The Republicans tried to call President Obama's bluff, but it didn't work. Evidently, they'd accidentally "cut" the phone lines.


Germany isn't too worried about the international debt crisis. After all, they long ago prepared for the "wurst."

Using Good Cents

Since Washington often throws money at a problem, perhaps we should just "nickel and dime" Congress to death.

Exclusive Offer?

Sadly, Federal deficit spending does not yet come in a "limited" edition.

No Conviction?

My tax form hired a hot shot attorney. It hoped to get off on "reduced charges."

"Tempered" Expectations

The financial aid officer at our local college wasn't the most pleasant of folks. Apparently, she had passed their "means" testing.

Shipping Out

Congress tried to fix the domestic economy, but couldn't find replacement parts. Sadly, they're now made overseas.

Out with a Bang?

It appears folks in Washington are enjoying their Second Amendment Rights. Many have simply "shot themselves in the foot."

Out of Bounds?

My tax dollars tried to flee to Canada. It seems Congress wanted to draft them into "debt service."

Royal Mess?

Maybe we should just let the "Burger King" run the country. Like Washington, his drive thru has budget deals, big deals, and plenty of "whoppers."

"Inside" Scoop

I think the Federal deficit may suffer from agoraphobia. Lord knows, it just never "goes away."

False Start?

The 2012 Olympics have added a new event, the "Political Run-a-Round." It seems athletes dash hopes, sidestep reality, and throw their countries under a bus.

Pay Backs?

Even the national debt is living on "borrowed" time.

Animal House?

The National Zoo just gave Congress a giraffe. It has a lot of rough spots too.

Brain Child?

Some folks in Washington are now having second thoughts. Turns out, they never had the "originals."