Did God really want the earth to be round, or did his contractor simply "cut corners?"
My neighbor's second grader complained that his math test was too difficult. Apparently, he's fallen upon "hard" times.
Looks like the metric system is out. Given their debt crisis, European rulers are now resorting to more desperate "measures."
My uncle could never be a waiter. There are days when even his memory doesn't serve him.
My bread machine was just indicted for embezzlement. The blender claimed it "kneaded the dough."
My neighbor is so shallow, Pizza Hut warned their deep dish pizza would be over her head.
It seems the once beloved Confucius has been hit hard by the economy. Chinese restaurants now only give out "tracking" cookies.
Even Rembrandt had a slacker brother named "Bob." He painted a brain "frieze."
Last night's debate moderator asked the presidential hopefuls to "paint" a picture of the future. Sadly, they all "drew" a blank.
Yesterday I was so down in the dumps, when my boss tried to push my buttons they were already depressed.
Insomniacs rarely have big dreams.
My senator never hesitated to lie through his teeth. Turns out, even they were false.
Even when the economy's good, my pot roasts usually experience "tough times."
Sadly, when I was finally able to build a better life, the tax collector reassessed my priorities.
My sister registered for fine china before her wedding. Her fiance hoped for the "dish network."
My aunt's upstairs neighbors are truly "unreal." Apparently, she's living under "false pretenses."
Unfortunately, even though my Congressman was indicted, the Federal deficit still remains "at large."
If you truly are "good for nothing", at least you're cost effective.
My parent's old house should have been in the NFL. Every room had a supplemental "draft."
It seems the Weight Watchers had trouble seeing the future. Their eye doctor suggested "heavy duty" lenses.
My uncle claims the cable company helped him save gas. After all, their prices really "took him for a ride."
The fire department said our tech department didn't have enough exits. Looks like someone forgot the data "entry."
Even numbers are rarely at odds.
Last week's 10K run started late, lacked direction, and took forever to complete. Apparently, the government "ran" it.
I'm sending my checkbook to church. It needs to learn better values.
Congress will never "build" character. They have far too many screws loose.
My Grandmother just hired an agent for her bustline. She hopes maybe he can "talk things up."
It's a good thing Congress isn't an insurance policy. They would never have an "effective" date.
Maybe marriage really is "made" in heaven. After all, when you're divorced it takes an eternity to get your money back.
It seems United Airlines tried to recruit the Amish for a new travel feature. They're calling it "plane" talk.
I hear the local maternity ward needed to fire their wireless provider. Apparently, he even tried to cut the umbilical "cord."
In order to grow a country, everyone needs to "seed" a little bit of power.
Perhaps money simply needs a job coach. It may just be too "green" to support an economy.
My uncle invited all incumbents to join the new "retirement" party. You get a gold watch, no pension, and a chance to simply pass time. But, it gets old quick.
Congress attempted to clean up the environment with a paper towel. They called it nature's "bounty."
After an evening with his in-laws, my uncle now envies those who live in "relative" isolation.
My aunt was so worried about the approaching hurricane that she evacuated her kitchen island.
My dog thinks his nose is the "scenter" of the universe.
My Mother claims the budget deficit helped her diet. She says it nearly "reduced her to tears."
Instead of spending money to build new roads, maybe the White House should simply hire a new plumber. It seems the ones Nixon used, never really allowed the wealth to "trickle down."
It was a sad day for America. Even the sky is "blue."
At least if you're overweight, you know you hit the "big" time.
Most politicians have three different looks; a happy face, a game face, and an "about" face.
My uncle's employer says he truly doesn't work in "hell." After all, his wages are frozen.
The White House dog blames the economy for occassional irregularity. It seems last week he was barely able to simply make "doo."
My friend broke up with his fiance over dinner. He called it more of an "expiration date."
After years of loyal service, even the Burger King is out of work. Unlike his peers, he was never quite able to tell a "Whopper."
My bank CD claims it's a born again Christian. Last week I took it in for "early redemption."
Maybe we should ban campaigning in higher elevations. That way promises could only be made in "low lying" areas.
Eminem hired a psychiatrist to produce his next album. Now his CDs will all come "shrink-rapped."
It's no small wonder teenagers don't much seem to mind the humidity. Many of them have a low "do" point.
My Grandmother claims she can now only fly first class. Often her thoughts have same day departure.
My checkbook complained it has no privacy. It seems no matter where it goes, it's surrounded by debt.
Apparently the GOP elephant grew tired of working for peanuts. Fox News says he's joined the media circus.
It seems that most lawmakers are part of the "in" crowd.....ineffective, inefficient, and incapable.
I would never win American idol. My voice is flatter than the economy.
I hear common sense was nearly returned to Washington, but someone forgot the sales slip.
Not everything in the country is headed down. My retirement savings are still pretty much "up the crick."
In honor of their hard work and diligent efforts, taxpayers created a special beach destination for their legislators. They called it the "Point of No Return."
My uncle never read the book "The Naked and the Dead." He thought it was about his love life.
Apparently success was at my doorstep. Too bad the neighborhood has a no solicitation policy.
Sadly, the auto club is now rated higher than my government bond.
I ran into Fox News at the Consignment Shop. Apparently they were running low on "second hand knowledge."
Maybe we should outsource Congress this Fall. Obviously, reason and compromise are already foreign to them.
NASA spent billions of dollars just "watching the world go by." Perhaps they were hoping to put a new spin on life.
Congress is right in claiming they made "tireless" efforts to fix the country. God knows, the wheels did pretty much just fall off.
Apparently my uncle has been living off the "fat" of the land. Unfortunately, his cholesterol is even higher than the humidity.
Maybe lawmakers really do want to make budget cuts less painful. Most days, their nonsense truly is "mind numbing."
It seems the dry weather has finally hit local produce growers. Sadly, even my peaches have more soft spots than the economy.
We tried to enter our governing "bodies" in the Miss USA pageant, but the judges didn't believe they wanted to help others and save the world.
The White House should stick to making Shoo Fly pies. After all, its recipe for change is looking pretty "crumby."
Senate Legislation complained it "didn't get out much." Most days, it is usually "house" bound.
The School Board says our Congressman failed to make "adequate yearly progress." Apparently, he was elected by "dumb" luck.
It was so hot last week I fried an egg on N. Queen Street. It was the first time my commute was anywhere near "over easy."
Michael Vick is now ashamed of his dog fighting days. Sadly, he did need to give LeBron James one of his old "choke" collars.
Casper and his friendly ghosts needed to issue and "amber alert" Saturday night. It seems the "Spirit of Compromise" had gone missing.
Washington infrastructure crumbled as dis-enfranchised walls yanked support from the Capitol building. Tempers flared when the new debt ceiling was decided by a "floor" vote.
Oil company execs say they share America's pain. One even suffered a paper "cut" cashing his paycheck.
Budget woes are even beginning to affect super heroes. Just last week, Superman lost his "purchasing power."
Much of politics truly is an "end" game. After all, many of the players really are "jackasses."
We sent hip hop mogul Fifty Cent to Washington. He'll get da fault out of da "House".
God considered "pennies from heaven" as a way to help. His shareholders considered it "falling revenue."
The House leadership needed to call in a chiropractor after lawmakers threw out their backs. Apparently, it was all that "political posturing."
I'm thinking of returning my Congressman to Amazon.com. He does indeed talk when you push his buttons, but unlike the advertised picture, his words always seem to come out empty.
Even if we did live in the past, I'm not sure the Federal deficit would "go down" in history.
The Auto Club just raised the country's overall ratings. They seem to think taxpayers have been taken for a pretty nice ride.
Congress claims that manufacturing output recently surged in Washington. Sadly, they just got really good at "making things" worse.
Police were called to Old McDonald's farm following reports of fowl play. Turns out, the rooster was just enjoying some time in the henhouse.
Michelle Obama went out to the White House Garden hoping to raise some revenue. Turns out, the Republicans had already been there making "campaign hay."
Optimists paint a rosy picture of our country's future. Pessimists would prefer to see something in "black and white."
I hear Washington needed to set up special cooling stations for heated Americans looking to find "debt relief." They call them "voting booths."
The Smithsonian's new mummy was donated by Lindsay Lohan. Apparently, it too wasn't "wrapped very tight."
The Republicans tried to call President Obama's bluff, but it didn't work. Evidently, they'd accidentally "cut" the phone lines.
Germany isn't too worried about the international debt crisis. After all, they long ago prepared for the "wurst."
Since Washington often throws money at a problem, perhaps we should just "nickel and dime" Congress to death.
Sadly, Federal deficit spending does not yet come in a "limited" edition.
My tax form hired a hot shot attorney. It hoped to get off on "reduced charges."
The financial aid officer at our local college wasn't the most pleasant of folks. Apparently, she had passed their "means" testing.
Congress tried to fix the domestic economy, but couldn't find replacement parts. Sadly, they're now made overseas.
It appears folks in Washington are enjoying their Second Amendment Rights. Many have simply "shot themselves in the foot."